How To Have a Socially Acceptable Personality(-ish)

Michaela Chung, The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World

Introversion, a term from developmental psychology that most people hadn’t heard twenty years ago, is now a major trait in society at large. The Internet probably did this: because the net is mostly text-based and asynchronous, the development of read-write websites has enabled introverts to express themselves in ways prior generations never had. But that’s all pointy-headed jargon. How can introverts bring their online identities into the offline world?

Michaela Chung started an introverts’ blog after she escaped the corporate world. She wanted to document lessons she’d learned about how introverts, like herself, can navigate social rules written for extroverts. Her blog became successful, and she spun it, first, into a life-coaching consultancy, then into this book. Based on this book, I’d bet Chung’s consultancy is engaging and fun. But she hasn’t really made the transition between mediums yet.

Like millions of us, Chung thought she needed to feign extroverted characteristics to survive. She describes the different ways introverts and extroverts handle social situations: introverts need private time to recharge, where extroverts find energy in company. Loud social situations, which extroverts find exciting, introverts find overwhelming. And so on: Chung adds a personal touch to psychological concepts that the Internet has made commonplace in recent years.

These personal narratives are important, certainly. We introverts consistently heard from authority figures from childhood that our need for solitude and quiet were aberrant, and that our loud, gregarious classmates and co-workers were superior. I spent my first twenty-five years thinking I was maladjusted and doomed to loneliness because I wasn’t outgoing, because that’s what etiquette told me. Hearing that others have faced, and overcome, the same challenges, matters.

Then, Chung presents self-help precepts based on her experiences. Rather than teaching ourselves to behave like extroverts, as our parents and teachers probably did, Chung wants us to embrace the traits that make us unique. Introversion isn’t a problem to cure, Chung says, but a feature to embrace and utilize. We need to shift the self-blaming mindsets we probably learned in elementary school, and learn to love our introverted selves.

Michaela Chung

Huzzah!

Unfortunately, the more Chung talks, the more problems develop with her narrative. She describes introverts as naturally risk-averse, for instance—something that describes some introverts, but not others. She describes introverts as paralyzed between wanting to be sociable, and wanting to avoid overstimulating events—which describes most people, at least sometimes. These generalizations are too broad; I started feeling like she was talking past me.

Between her highly personal anecdotes, and her sweeping generalizations, it quickly becomes clear that Chung is actually describing herself. Which, again, is fine in context. But in reading a book like this, I need to know how I can adjust my thinking so I stop believing I need to behave externally and ignore my inner yearning for solitude. That’s a matter of doing, not merely accepting gnomic sayings.

Around the halfway mark, Chung writes: “In my online courses for introverts, I always include exercises for creating major mind-set shifts.” Great. But she doesn’t include any exercises in this book; she just quotes students expressing the epiphanies they experienced while performing those exercises. We know concrete, specific techniques exist, because Chung tells us so. But she doesn’t tell us what they are, or how to do them.

Don’t misunderstand me, Chung says plenty I concur with. Though she overgeneralizes many statements, her overall goal is to encourage more soul-searching and introspection, and when you’ve done that, you’ll have the skills to effectively decide which broad bromides apply to you, and you to utilize them. Her approach is way rockier than I’d prefer, but she says plenty that helps introverts appreciate themselves where they are.

However, in buying this book, recognize it isn’t self-sufficient. I chose this book, expecting the author would provide guidance in developing valuable social skills, but the actual text involves more personal contemplation. It more resembles poetry than how-to. Chung’s ultimate goal is to persuade readers to subscribe to her online life coaching seminars. Which, in fairness, I might do, because her personality shines through her prose.

I get the feeling, reading this book, that Chung does best working one-on-one or in small groups, where she can develop rapport with students individually. I sympathize; that’s why I resisted online schooling, back in my teaching days. That’s a common introvert trait, and we’re often afraid of alienating our audiences by saying things that don’t apply to them. Unfortunately, that’s a risk you must take in writing a book.